Whirlwind asides
by randomfluff
Summary: Bunch of little silly side stories connected to Whirlwind. All under 1000 words. Some may be a bit slashy.
1. Pretty Woman

**A/N**: So… Silly story got a surprisingly nice welcome. So here are few short (less than 1k words even if it kills me!) side stories to go along with it. I may even do part 3 for the main story if I feel like it but that's not currently in the works so we'll see.

**Warnings**: bad spelling/grammar, OOC, AU

**Characters**: Alex

**Word count:** 942

**Disclaimer**: don't own

* * *

**- Pretty Woman -**

(or 'I'll make you one even if it kills you')

* * *

"And what, exactly, do you expect me to do with this… this _boy_?"

Alex was standing awkwardly to the side wishing he was somewhere else. When he'd first heard about the mission he'd thought Blunt was joking until he realized that for Blunt, a joke was only a four lettered word.

"We need you to disguise him," Mrs Jones said patiently.

Alex tuned the women out as he wondered just exactly why he had consented to this. Being a sixteen-year-old superspy was one thing but this wasn't something he'd signed up to do. Didn't they have enough female agents that could do something like this?

'_As agreed, we will only call on you if we have no other choice,'_ Blunt had said without a shred of emotion. '_And you'll have to trust us that this time there is need. You have gone in under an alias before. This is no different.'_

"Fine," the woman said voice coloured by obvious distaste, like she was dealing with something she'd rather not touch with a ten foot pole. "I will do what I can but I don't expect it to work. He isn't particularly feminine."

Mrs Jones nodded and then left the room without further words, leaving Alex alone with the scary woman who was eyeing him critically.

"Come here boy," she said.

Sighing in defeat Alex did as was told and let the woman grasp his chin with her carefully manicured nails scraping against his skin. She looked at his face turning it this way and that and then stepped back and gave his body a long assessing look.

"At least you have a rather symmetrical face and your eyes are quite passable. But if this works it is a result of _my_ hard work and talent," she said.

Then she stepped forward again and tugged his hair painfully. "Shorter than I'd like, but it's always better to work with what you have than use a wig. I suppose extensions would work but I'll try something with what you have first."

After that she began her work and Alex felt helpless as he was ordered around and his hair was pulled and gunk was being shoved in his face. It felt like hours later when the woman finally pulled back and gave him yet another critical look.

"I am a _genius_," she said nodding satisfied. "There's no other explanation for it."

Alex looked at himself in the mirror and wondered exactly how she was genius. His hair had been styled differently and he had make up on but it was still unmistakably Alex Rider looking back at him. Perhaps his features seemed a bit softer than usual but that was about it. But apparently the woman saw that she had managed to make a change somehow and he wasn't about to tell her she was wrong.

"We'll need to get you some clothes and see if you can pull it off. There is no point in trying to disguise your voice too much since it isn't low enough to cause suspicion yet. Best to play up the tomboy act since you'd never pass off as the girly girl type," she continued.

It was difficult biting back the sarcastic response but he managed somehow. It was one thing to mouth off to dangerous people who wouldn't hesitate to kill him (after they'd finished their villainy monologue, of course) but he did not want to see what this woman would do to him if he pissed her off. He had a vague feeling it would include a pair of scissors and the offer to divest him of his masculinity.

So he let the woman play dress up with him. At first he'd been mortified when the woman had told him to strip down but it soon became apparent that she really wasn't interested in looking at his body. Even the scars had gotten only a brief glance and Alex got the feeling she was thinking how she'd manage to hide them.

"It's a good thing it's winter. It will give you a good reason to wear thicker clothes so we can hide your shape better," she said. "I don't have enough time to teach you to walk in heels so you won't be wearing any unless absolutely necessary."

Alex was grateful for that small concession.

xxx

He was astonished how well the disguise worked. The man he'd been sent to get information from had bought the lie without blinking as had the others Alex had to fool. It was only later when he'd found out the downsides to his disguise when the man started to get fresh with him.

It had led to him concocting a lie about a boyfriend which, in turn had led him to walking down wintery Oxford Street one December evening.

He'd been looking for a way to throw off the three men tailing him but hadn't yet managed to do so. He couldn't exactly use his abilities to ditch them when he was supposed to be just a normal sixteen-year-old girl, albeit one with ties to the underworld. Figuring it'd be easier to 'accidentally' lose them in the crowds of shoppers he'd chosen to walk down the busy street lined with shops. Unfortunately for him the men following him were annoyingly persistent and he was hoping that maybe he'd manage to shake them off if he took the tube from the crowded Oxford street station.

And then he'd seen a familiar shape among the crowd and a plan had begun to form in his head. He grinned and started walking faster.

Sometimes he really did have the luck of the devil.

**End A/N:** So there's a bit about how Alex became Alexandra. Someone asked why Wolf didn't recognize his face but it had been two years since he'd last seen him and you can do amazing things with make up. Plus, like Fox said in part 2 it's not actually normal for people to suspect a girl is a boy in drag unless there's a good reason. At least that's my humble opinion. : D


	2. Connecting People

**A/N:** This is a bit slashier than the others even though it wasn't supposed to be. Also less crack than previously even tho it's related to said crack. Also sadly no sub title because I couldn't think of any that would work. Fail on my part there. Sorry for the unfunny stuff.

**Warnings**: bad spelling/grammar, OOC, AU, OCs, not!crack

**Characters**: Wolf, Alex, Tom

**Word count**: 1001 (I know I failed to keep it under the 1k limit but! DDD:)

**Disclaimer**: don't own

**- Connecting People -**

He stared at the thing like it had made a personal insult. But whatever it was, it was clearly evil and should suffer for it and hence it was subjected to his darkest scowl. Unfortunately, recently his glares and scowls hadn't been too effective and the thing just let it slide like it was nothing.

"Keep that up and it's going to melt," someone said behind him.

It was Badger who liked to stick his nose into other people's business far too much. No doubt that was why he was here, outside, where Wolf had fled to glare at the thing until it bowed in submission. The last thing he needed was an audience for something he knew was going to be awkward anyway.

But if he was so against it, why was he doing it in the first place? Because he'd be shipped off tomorrow and it wasn't likely he'd be able to make long distance calls. He'd been avoiding it long enough anyway and his personal rules wouldn't let himself chicken out like this.

"Piss off," he muttered giving Badger a glare that sent him scurrying back inside. It was a refreshing change.

Figuring out it was better to do it now instead of dithering about he sighed, took a deep breath and pressed the button before he could come up with a good reason not to.

He pressed the phone against his ear and listened to the dial tone as it rang once, twice, three times.

'_If he doesn't pick up by five I'm giving up,'_ he thought. At least he would've given it a try, right?

The phone rang fourth time. And then, just before the fifth, someone answered.

"Hello. You have reached the Hot Lips Hotline. The hottest thing since the sun!"

That wasn't Cub. Had he dialled the wrong number? No. It had to be the right one. It was the same one still filed under 'Alexandra' because he hadn't remembered to change it and it was the number Fox had recognized before.

"Who is this?" he growled.

"Who is this?" asked the boy sounding outraged. "Who is this? Don't you know who I am? I am the Great…argh."

The impending rant was cut off by a short choking noise and Wolf was left holding his own mobile feeling bewildered. Just what was going on? Should he be worried?

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

Now that was Cub, and he sounded pissed off. There was a brief scuffling noise as the two boys fought over the phone at the other end and then a clatter as it fell to the floor. There were more fighting sounds and a brief burst of mad laughter that definitely didn't come from Cub before someone picked the phone up again.

"Sorry about that," Cub said sounding a bit breathless. "Er… Who is this?"

There was a moment of confusion as he tried to decide if he should use his codename or his real name. "Wolf," he finally said gruffly.

"Oh…" the other end went silent for a moment apart from some whispering sounds that he couldn't quite make out. It was probably the crazy kid. "Er… How are you?"

"Shouldn't I be the one asking that?" Wolf asked feeling awkward and amused.

There was a brief scuffle again at the other end and a hissed 'piss off Tom' from Cub. It was odd to hear the kid acting like a -well- like a kid.

"Meh," Cub said. "I've been on vacation. Catching up on school work and planning murder. Normal things like that. But you're about to be shipped off, right?"

"How do you know that?" Wolf asked suspicious.

The kid might be a spy but that didn't mean he should know everything. And he might be on good terms with the brat now but that still didn't mean he liked the idea of him knowing everything about him.

"It's called logic," came the rather sarcastic reply. "Since you were on leave when I saw you before and it's been close to a month since then I figured you'd have to go back to work soon." Cub paused for a moment. "And I kinda figured you wouldn't have called otherwise."

"Something like that," Wolf said unwilling to admit the kid was right.

"So are you okay?" Cub asked. "And I'm fine, like I said."

"I'm…" Wolf started to reply but the crazy kid had said something again.

"No, you idiot, I'm _not_ talking to my boyfriend," he heard Cub hiss and immediately felt about a thousand times more uncomfortable.

His sister had called last night because she knew he'd be leaving soon. It'd been a normal conversation but she'd managed to completely throw him off by casually asking him about his supposed girlfriend. Unfortunately for him, the 'girlfriend' in question was currently at the other end of the line cursing his friend. And was a boy. And wasn't even his friend, really. And was far _far_ too young anyway.

He groaned when he realized what he was thinking.

"You okay there?" Cub asked sounding just a bit concerned. "Sorry about Tom, he's a bit insane."

"A bit?" Wolf asked. "I need to go," he continued quickly.

He really needed to end the call now before he thought more stupid things. Maybe the other kid's insanity was contagious? He'd already achieved the call's purpose anyway.

"Yeah, I guess you're busy," Cub agreed.

"Yeah," Wolf agreed and they both fell into awkward silence.

He was just about to end the call when he heard Cub inhale as if he was about to say something.

"You'll… you'll call again when you get back?" Cub asked the words rushed as if he wasn't sure he should say them.

He probably shouldn't, he thought. Considering the turn his thoughts sometimes took when he thought of the kid, it would be best if he didn't keep in touch. But…

"Sure," he said gruffly.

He just knew he was going to regret it.

**End A/N: **Awkward check up call is awkward. Still can't outright pair the two idiots but there you have it. It's really a pain for me to try to stick to my 1000 word limit because I tend to be extremely verbose when I write. Still, it's good practise, I suppose… Though for what, I have no idea.

Also... stealth pun is stealthy. :D


End file.
